Life has never been easy, not for me or you. We all have our personal struggles and vices, this is why sonder is such an important aspect to always remember. We don’t know what people are going through, and neither do they know what you are struggling with. We all get frustrated, angry at times, but remember, so does everyone.
I have struggled with depression and addiction for the last 10 years, it’s changed me so much as a person. I’m on the path of sobriety now, but that voice is always in my head; telling me to use. If you use, you’ll feel happy; normal. But, that only lasts so long, eventually the drugs will take whatever they desire from you. They will take your personality, your mind, your life.
Moving forward has not been easy. I am 4 months clean of benzodiazepines at this point, and a little over a month ago the post acute withdrawal hit me harder than I ever imagined it could. My depression had never been worse, my anxiety was out of control. I was losing my mind, and I didn’t know how to fix it. I was lost in the darkness, with no way to find my way out.
After some time, some conversations and comments from people on reddit, and talks with friends and family, I have come to a conclusion; A profound conclusion. I don’t believe my depression will ever go away, and I will always be an addict in my mind. But some days, life is good and I have to remember that. When I am in my darkest hole there is no point in focusing on the darkness. Every day is a new day, the darkness will never go away. But the light is always there as well. I cannot focus on the darkness, because I already know that it is there; I have to look forward to the light, the days when all the pieces comes together. I have to look forward to the positive things I can do for myself and for others.
I have to take it one day at a time. I know how people in AA and NA focus so much on every day as an achievement, but I don’t really see it like that. I view it more so as every day is simply another day. I don’t want to count them, because that will just make me think of the vices that I desire. I just want to keep living life one day at a time.
My hope is that one day at a time will eventually lead me to 10 years from now, and I can look back on the life I lead as an addict and I’ll be able to use it to better myself, to be more caring to others, to learn to experience what life has to offer, and hopefully help others that are in need. I can turn my darkness into my own personal strength. One day at a time.
My love to you all, always,
A Half Broken Mind