It’s been a year now since I sought out on the path of ridding myself of my addictions and leading a sober life. Now it’s been a little over four months since I’ve freed myself of the hell that is benzodiazepine addiction.
What a terrible year, something that I truly cannot put into words. Not only was I struggling with my addiction but also my mental wellbeing. It has not been easy to reform myself into the image that I so sought in the beginning of this process.
After two months of being benzo free I was feeling pretty good. I could feel my mood and emotions rising back to the surface; things that had been long gone for some time at this point. I can honestly say that I felt nearly back to normal. Keyword here is NEARLY, because I was still struggling mentally, but I could feel the process taking place within my psyche. The rewiring of the brain back to its natural stasis.
This last month though, primarily December and bleeding into January, my depression and anxiety has hit an all time high. I have no motivation for anything in my my life, no sense of purpose, nothing to be hopeful for. I am looking at my life now clearly and realizing that I’m not living the life I want. I want to help people, and without that in my life I feel empty. I feel that my aspiration to better others lives is the only thing that I really truly desire. Because of this I am in the process of applying for the Peace Corps. Whether or not they will accept me, I don’t know; but this is something I’ve wanted to do ever since I was 18 and I think the satisfaction and wellbeing it would bring to my life could never be surpassed.
This whole year I have isolated myself from mostly all friends and family in order to separate myself from the person I was and the person I want to be; But these are also classic signs of depression. These last few months this has reached an all time high, I struggle to even leave the house. My life feels meaningless, and I don’t know how to fix it.
I feel so empty and the worst part of this is that it is so strongly pulling me towards the addictions that I am trying to leave behind.
When I was actively using, whether it was opiates, benzo’s, alcohol, phenibut, etc. I actually felt something in my life. I felt purpose and hope; I felt like the person that I wanted to be, but now I’m just hollow. A ghost of a shell devoid of most all emotion except for my frustration, anxiety, and depression.
It’s hard to put this feeling into words honestly; All I know is that I feel just as alone in crowds as I do surrounded by people. I simply feel alone and empty. I’ve lost nearly all interest in the things that I once found pleasure from. There’s only one person that I can confide in when it comes to this and she helps greatly. She is truly amazing and like no other person I’ve ever met; but I fear that my feelings for more than just friendship will end up pushing her away in the end. If that happens, as hard as it is to say, I truly wish her the best. She deserves to be happy and I truly wish her the best. She deserves the world and some day, someone will give it to her; that I am positive of.
My reason for writing this is honestly just an attempt to get this feeling off my chest and out of my brain. Throughout the horrible last year of my life journaling was probably the most helpful thing that I did to cope with my situation and also to work through my issues. So, thank you for listening, or reading that is.
TL;DR: I have been an addict for nearly 10 years. Benzo’s were never my DOC, but I fell into a 2 year addiciton,from which I tapered off of and eventually put myself into inpatitent detox to complete the process. I have been benzo free for over 4 months now. After about 2 months I could finally feel my life improving and getting back to normal. However these last few months, primarily december into January, has been probably the lowest point I’ve ever reached in my life mentally. It has also brought back an insane desire to go back to using drugs, because they were the only thing that gave my life enjoyment and meaning.
Any personal experiences, general conversation , or advice is gladly welcomed; so thank you in advance.
My love to you all, always.
A Half Broken Mind