It’s been a long time, my friends. I had the best of intentions to keep my website alive and the community active but unfortunately that isn’t how things turned out. I apologize for that. These last several years have been trying. My life has changed in so many ways; some for the better, but unfortunately most have been for the worst. It took a very long time to pull myself from the depths of my mind. My life literally fell apart, and the blame is solely my own. My mental state was that of insanity. But through that insanity eventually emerged some wisdom and pride. Towards the end of my benzo addiction, I was absolutely manic. It was the absolute sickest and most psychotic feeling I’ve ever experienced in my life.
I was so out of it that I cut my hair with kitchen scissors in my bathroom at 3AM before work because my long hair was driving me crazy. It looked insane, fortunately I could still put it up; It just sort of looked like a sumo wrestlers hair. Two days later I admitted myself to inpatient detox. The reality of the situation wasn’t that my hair was driving me crazy. It was the fact that I hadn’t slept in days, I was working 10+ hours a day at work, I was puking and shitting constantly, and I felt like every nerve in my body was misfiring. I was hot and cold at the same time; Taking layers of clothes off and putting more on at the same time. My skin crawled craving to be scratched but I didn’t even want to be apart of my own body, so I couldn’t bring myself to touch it. My palms were sweating profusely; A term I now know of as hyperhydrosis. I literally could not eat anything. Throughout the two weeks of my acute withdrawal after I was discharged from inpatient detox I lost 20 pounds.
Honestly folks, the most frightening part of this whole experience was the way that it made me feel mentally. I mean, no matter how bad a withdrawal is, the brain is an amazing anatomical structure that will eventually heal itself; But this was something else. I was so incredibly depressed, but that wasn’t the scary part. I experienced the most intense feeling of derealization. I felt absolutely no emotion for anything at all, other than my withdrawal feelings. I didn’t feel like a person, I felt so dissociated from every aspect of being a human being. But all of a sudden, all of the emotions from every personal trajedy I’d encased away to be long forgotten would come back as intense as ever. It was absolutely the most insane feeling I’ve ever experienced. I literally felt everything and nothing, all at the same time.
My friends, if you ever decide to head the advice of a random man on the internet, please let it be to not get yourself addicted to benzodiazepines. They literally almost ruined me. Trust me, I’ve fucked up my fair share of times in this life, more so than anyone ever should, but this was by far my worst blunder. Benzodiazepines will bring you to a depth that was once unimaginable, and this is coming from someone with major depressive disorder.
Though time has passed, I truly hope that you are all doing well. As always, take my love with you forever and always.
I honestly don’t know if any of you follow me anymore, considering that I deleted my facebook account which made up for the large amount of my fanbase. If so, I’d like for you to know that I am alive and well. Also, screw the anonymity, you can text me at 931-371-1183. If you really want to say hey, call me; I don’t care. I love you all, and I truly hope that you are all doing well.
I am alive and well.
A HALF BROKEN MIND