Sometimes in life it feels like you’re standing in the middle of a storm. Surrounded on all sides by large dark clouds. Life can really turn into quite the shit-show at times, especially if we let the storm grow until the point of breaking. It’s like the metaphor of the snowball rolling down the hill, once it starts it continues to grow so long as it continues to roll.
I suppose this last year has been my real crash course on life. Damnit I made a lot of bad choices in life, and getting myself addicted to research chemical benzo’s was by far the worst one I ever made. You know how sometimes you crash and burn from misstep’s in life? Usually you can come to terms or get over them in at least a relatively quick manner; Or maybe I’m being presumptuous, but I know I’ve shrugged off many erroneous errors in the past pretty easily. Or maybe that’s just part of the beauty and appeal of hiding behind drugs.
This one though, it has almost undone me as a person all together. It’s been a dark cloud that has followed me around for 8 months now; All that time growing darker as the clock rolls. And there’s still not a definite end in sight. I’m going to lose more than a year of my life to this blunder; Along with broken hearts and crushing self reflection.
It’s made me go through all different stages of perceiving my life and the world. A true mind fuck by all means of the definition. I’ve been addicted to drugs before, but nothing compares to this; At least in my experience.
Opiate addiction for me was like the common cold; Sick for a week or two, but not enough to keep me from coming back. I loved opiates and I still do, despite the fact that I no longer use them. They’re the only thing that’s ever made me feel normal in a great way. But benzo’s, they made me feel normal in all the wrong ways.
I suppose I’m just sick and tired of being sick and tired. What a sentence, I know. But benzo tapering is like being sick for months if you’re lucky and year’s if you’re not. That ominous dark cloud that just keeps hanging around.
In the past, I would take pills because I wanted to. Now I take them just to be able to function, and I have to structure my dosages throughout the day because you have to keep your blood concentrations elevated just enough. It’s fucked being bound to a drug you despise. I feel like a patient with a terminal illness that has to take their medicine even though they don’t want it, but because they have to.
And there sparks the introspection of how I got myself into this situation in the first place. I wanted to be sober. I was trying to, but the whispers of an addict rang through my brain. It was too easy to fall into the abyss taking etizolam. I’m stressed, I’m unhappy, I’m sober; Take some etizolam and I didn’t care. I wasn’t happy, but I wasn’t unhappy; I was complacent I suppose. What a poor choice to make.
Now I’m stuck with the choices I’ve made. My entire life as an addict led up until this point. When you’re an addict there will come a time that life humbles you; And I’m not just talking about set-backs. I mean like when life swiftly pulls out the rug from underneath your feet and lets you ungracefully fall towards the eminent rock bottom. It’s bound to come if you haven’t made it there yet.
I never hit rock bottom; At least not in my mind. I’m broke, depressed, and addicted; But at least I still have my own apartment, my career, my family, the love around me and the love in my heart.
It’s been a vicious ride, but this was my fault; I have no choice but to take a seat and buckle up. If nothing else, this experience has built a hell of a lot of determination and character.
A Half Broken Mind