Every day seems harder and harder. I’m so close to being done with my benzo taper but it’s become a tremendously difficult task at the end; It was like I could see the light, but now it seems farther away with every turn of the world. It’s been almost 8 months now and I can’t help but ask myself how many more is it going to be.
The closer I get the less the benzo’s are helping my anxiety and keeping my thoughts at bay. When I was taking high dosages every day I could think clearly about my situation and everything that had transpired, but it didn’t bother me near as much as it should have; My true feelings were masked by the comfort of chemicals and I was easily shrugging off the pain underneath.
Now, I’m taking lorazepam; 2 and a half to 3 – 2 MG pills a day. When I first transitioned from diazepam and diclazepam to lorazepam it wasn’t very hard, but now I can feel everything flooding back in. All I can do is bury myself in my career, but that too is starting to burn me out. I love where I work but sometimes the stress is hard to handle with all of the others things going on in my personal life.
I keep telling myself, “it’s just life.” I realize that I got myself into this situation, and I have to dig myself out. No matter what the cost or how painful it may be.
But the comfort in my life is all gone, like rolling off the bed dead asleep and waking to great the hard surface of the cold floor. Before my benzo addiction, I was with a truly amazing woman and she brought so much light to my life; Before her I masked my pain by self medicating my brain, to put it lightly.
Now, trying to live a sober life I can feel all of the emotions rushing back in; My contempt for the beautiful things that I ruined along the way.
I know that I preach about living in the moment, and for the most part I do. The things that I’m struggling with are the things that I haven’t had the chance to process yet with a fully sober brain; And as I mentioned, with my doses getting lower all of that is pouring in without a knob to stop the flow.
I’ll deal with it and come to terms with what I can. It was relatively easy to come to terms with my past of being an addict. I had wanted to change my life for a long time but I was so caught in the vicious cycle of addiction; Until I met her. She saved me from my own self and I thanked her with a broken heart.
That feeling is hard to process. As I’ve mentioned in other posts, I don’t think that I will ever come to terms with how my problems led to so much pain for another person; A person that I loved and planned to marry. But, all I can do is move forward. In time, the burning hole will begin to mend; Although I believe it will never completely go away, it will always be a valuable lesson. Probably one of the most important things I’ve ever learned in life.
As for my general anxiety, I’ve always had that and it being heightened is primarily because I’m tapering off of benzo’s and getting very low in dosage compared to where I initially was. Hopefully once I finally finish this chapter of my life my anxiety will subside, or at least become more manageable.
All I can do is move forward, learn from my mistakes, try to accept my new life for what it is, and always try to look towards the future with bright eyes.
It’s just life.
A Half Broken Mind