Crumbling: My Life In Pieces

I’ll catch you when the next sunset comes around. That was essentially my prerogative for as long as I can remember. And if you caught me in the dark you’d see parts of the real me, until the night wore thin and we’d all shuffle off to our little holes in the wall. It was a life set ablaze by addiction that withered come dawn.

Two, maybe four hours of sleep if I was lucky. It didn’t matter, I’d crush another pill to feel happy. Beebop about my day just like I was apart of the family; Nothing but a lonely shell filled with disdain and hate. I lived out my days searching for redemption from my own self.

Fortunately I was always lucky, or maybe high enough to keep a job, because I worked my ass off at every place I was ever employed. After becoming sober from illicit drugs I still filled my holes with enough alcohol to drown a shark. I suppose I would have been what was referred to as a high functioning alcoholic. I guess that’s what it means when you don’t sober up at your desk until 10, 11, maybe lunch time.

The realization that your life is shit is hard to contemplate. I only mean that in terms of my own life; It’s all perspective. One day I woke up and realized that my life was shit. It was all garbage and I let myself buy into it for so long. At that point what can you do? At least I still had a job. But I was crumbling.

I can’t say I ever felt like I hit rock bottom. Although I did hit a lot of hard objects on the way down. It was like waking up one day and realizing that I was a lie. That who I was as a person was a lie. When you look in the mirror and hate what you see staring back at you.

I suppose that’s why I’ve  tried to be as honest as possible about every aspect of my life in this blog, despite my anonymity; I keep that out of  self-preservation.

I knew for a long time that I hated myself. I don’t really know why, but I did. I knew that I wasn’t a bad person but for some reason I just couldn’t help but feel this sense of disdain. I think I hated myself more than every person on this planet at one point.

I can’t describe it in words really. It was the feeling of rolling over one day in somebody elses bed and realizing that my life was a lie. I put on the face that everyone wanted. I didn’t lie, but I didn’t tell the whole truth. I was a fake; My entire interaction with life was untrue.

It wasn’t a moral realization but a perspective enigma; Which has eluded me for so many years. Even to this date I still feel it gnawing at my bones. Like a leach sucking the blood from a juicy piece of meat it was the mystery to my own life.

How do you live in the mind that you despise? I know I am an addict. It’s nearly impossible for me to turn down opiates. Because of this I’ve left much of my past behind me; My friends, my hometown, everything related to what I once was. But alcohol was always my fall back. It was my readily available solace in this lie that I called my life.

After removing myself from the opiate scene, for the most part, I fell hard into alcohol. It was the only thing I could legally buy to forget who I was. Not to say that I wasn’t already an alcoholic, but it became my life for some time. I continually felt my mind crumble.

My life is much different now than it was at the time in which I’m talking about; But I still struggle with the same feelings. I feel a lot better these days, but some days are almost unbearable. Some days all of it sinks back in, through every crevice in my wrinkled brain; I feel the pain and hatred that I once felt daily.

These days I am mostly sober. If you follow my blog at all you know that I am going through a benzo taper. I’m nearly at the end of it; Maybe that’s why my emotions have been so out of whack lately. But besides that I still drink some, not really on week days as I work a Monday through Friday job; And I try to keep it minimal on the weekends but sometimes my old habits fall back into play. But mostly I have a drink or two and just stick with my prescribed medication and kratom.

I’m not exactly sure why I am writing this down. I suppose my reason for writing this is because I still feel my life crumbling away; Except at this point it is mostly positive. I still unravel the darkness in my mind but it helps me to guide myself to the light.

I suppose the feeling of my life crumbling to pieces in the end has been beneficial. Mostly it hurt in the beginning, it really hurt: And now it still sometimes hurts, but it also plays a major role in my self reclamation.

There’s the thought; Today I felt myself crumbling, and in those cracks I could feel my old habits seeping back in. But now, things are different despite the pain.

As always, my love and best wishes to each and every one of you.

A Half Broken Mind

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.