Love is one of the most beautiful things in existence. It can make you feel like a balloon so elated and floating away. It can also be that same balloon struck by a needle and exhaling its last bit of life as it swirls around the room eventually to wither and lay lifeless.
Along with being one of the most beautiful things that we can experience as humans it can also be one of the most painful.
Love isn’t something that just happens, it takes time to form that relationship. You may believe you’re in love in the beginning of a fresh start, but in all reality it’s likely only lust. It takes times to nurture that bond between two people, and as people say it truly is a two-way street.
You have to give your all, every little bit of yourself to truly love somebody; there is no holding back. You have to make your life an open book, and let your significant other slowly thumb through the pages. And if you don’t, then whats the point in it all; You don’t want to spend the rest of your life with somebody that you half-ass know.
I try to refrain from talking about my romantic love but I’ve had this thought on my mind a lot lately. Especially after my last post in which I pretty much opened up the book for all of you to read about the three loves I’ve experienced in my life thus far.
My last relationship failed because of my lack of honesty. It was the first real relationship I had been in in a very long time. After my past failures and general anxiety towards getting close to people whether romantically or personally, I held back so much. Especially when it came to my addictions. Of course, as I’ve said in past posts, I did tell her after some time of dating that I had previously had issues with drug addiction but the part I left out was that I was still actively using.
Even with my addictions aside I still held back so much. I had been alone for so long that when we had any sort of conflict in views I was extremely dismissive; Instead of actually trying to come to some sort of resolution I just pushed it away. And the more I was prodded the more I would shut down. I wasn’t used to that. I wasn’t used to having to deal with somebody elses emotions along with my own, it was stressful and I pushed it away because of that.
I don’t write this because I’m still in love with her; Not to say that I don’t still love her, I’m just not in love with her in that way. There’s a difference between the two. She is a beautiful person inside and out and I truly wish her the best, I hope she finds somebody that deserves her. I write this out of reflection. I truly realize my errors in our relationship.
And as the title eludes, it was painful when we said our final goodbyes. When everything came crashing down I didn’t have anything to say. Part of me saw it coming, and the other part understood why. I was speechless honestly. I just sat and listened with her looking intently at me to open my mouth, but there weren’t any words to say. I didn’t know what to say.
After she said that she thought we needed some time apart, I suggested that she should probably take her things; the feminine objects that had worked their way into my apartment over time. As much as it hurt, I knew that she probably wouldn’t be coming back. Not that I didn’t want her to, but on the inside I just knew. I helped her carry her things to her car, we hugged for what seemed like an hour, and I kissed her on the forehead and told her goodbye. And that was the last time that I saw her. That was one of the hardest things I ever did in my life. When two people who love each other say goodbye for good, there really aren’t words to describe it.
It’s hard to let somebody go when you love them. After the initial shock of what had happened I did try to get her back for some time. Then I realized that it was no longer an option and I needed to focus on myself. Which is what leads us here; My personal reflections on my past experiences and struggles.
In the beginning we spoke a little bit, sometimes on the phone or through text. After I asked her consent to use some pictures of us in my blog, of course she wanted to read it and unfortunately she didn’t like what I had written. Just another lesson in personal perspective. I was writing from my own, and she was reading from hers; the stories were different on both sides. We haven’t spoken since.
Remember, if you truly love somebody, always be honest with them. Remember that everyone has their own perceptions of events and you don’t get to control that. You don’t get to determine when you hurt somebodies feelings, all you can do is sit and listen as to why they were hurt in the first place. Hopefully, if you actually listen and use your mouth, you can come to some sense of understanding. And finally I suppose that if you do have to part ways with somebody that you love, sometimes you just have to let them go. Some things aren’t always meant to work out, and you have to know when it’s time to step away.
I suppose I’m trying to make a lot of points in this post. I apologize if things got a little jumbled. My thoughts have been that way a little more so these days than most.
My love and best wishes to you all, always.
A Half Broken Mind