For the longest time I lived my life stuck in my own head. My thoughts swirling around, zipping through my synapses; but they never left the place of their origin. I was so introverted that I let so many opportunities pass me by. So much life that I could have experienced, but didn’t because I was afraid to open my mouth.
My personal belief is that we only get this one shot at life, many of you may disagree and that’s fine; We don’t all have to agree all the time, if we did then life wouldn’t be very entertaining would it. Now sitting here as a relatively young man and looking back on my life I can’t believe what I let pass me by all because of the choices that I made; My addictions, my fear of loving and being loved in return, my cynicism towards life.
On several occasions I did open up and this is what ensued:
I can say that I honestly have loved three women in my life and I still love them to this date, just not in the way that I did before.
One was a beautiful and highly intelligent woman, she had just recently graduated college when I met her with a bachelors in psychology. I loved just being around her. She made my heart skip beats just sitting there lingering on her words. But, as the old adage goes, we were two ship passing in the night. She had just recently ended a very long-term relationship and me being at the age I was didn’t understand the intricacies of her situation and what she was going through. I wanted to be with her so badly that I ended up pushing her away. She is married now and has a child; I honestly can say that I am happy for her, I’m glad that she finally found the person she was looking for.
The second girl much the same as the first was beautiful, witty, and so smart; but she had no interest in being in a serious relationship. Our “fling” so to speak went on for several years with certain periods being rather steady and other times we would go months without speaking. The first time we met was actually right after the aforementioned girl and at that time I was going through a prolonged binge with my roommates of drinking a handle of tequila a night. The next thing I know I’m waking up with both of us naked in my bed. She came to visit one more time several weeks later and then I didn’t see her again for several years; but throughout that time she was still on my mind. Years later we met again and that attraction was instant; it’s like when people say they fell head over heals for somebody, but in this case I fell much deeper than that. What ensued was about 6 months of steady engagement, and I was in love with this girl; and she told me that she loved me too. Eventually things went sour due to her lack of commitment and what I now realize was my lust for her. Some things came to light about her and my best friend. I’m not going to go into detail about it, nor slander her in any way so I will leave it at that. After ending the half-ass relationship, I was shattered; I quit my job and moved 5 hours away from that town and tried to drink myself to death for 6 months; all the while trying to get as many women in my bed as possible just to get her off my mind. That was, up until recently, the most broken I had ever felt in my life
Eventually, after getting a rather good job offer, I moved back close to the area where I’m from; but not back to that town, never back to that town. After moving back I was still broken and still drinking more alcohol than water. I probably couldn’t pass a breathalyzer test at any point throughout the day during that time. I eventually got my own place in Nashville about 5 miles from my work. After several months I found the third love, but this time it was different from the last two. I was guarded, my mental walls were so high that it took me probably six months to finally open up to her and let her in, but only so far still. Days and months went by and eventually she was the woman who I planned to marry. I loved her for much the same reasons as the others, but there was also more to it than that. She loved me in a way that I had never been loved. She was a beautiful person inside and out; and it made me want to be better for her. We were very different people, but we meshed very well. She helped me to reduce my drinking because I wanted to be better for her, but what she didn’t know about was my addiction to benzodiazepines. After I had begun my own taper to get off the drugs I told her about it a month later; a week later I was single once again. This time though it hurt, more than I’d ever experienced in my life. I was fractured at this point; I had a horrible drug addiction, taking the equivalency of 120 milligrams of Valium just to keep withdrawals at bay and the woman that I intended to propose to just stepped away.
I tell you all this because they were big mile markers in my life, and helped to lead me down the path that I took; addiction, self loathing, cynicism, and eventually the path to my recovery.
After about 7 months now of going through counseling and a structured taper program I see things in a different light. When I began putting my thoughts down on paper my life began to unravel around me. I started to see myself in a different way and also all the people around me; including my three loves.
It’s lead me to a point in life where I really just don’t care. I don’t mean that in the manner that I don’t care about people or life in general; I just don’t care about what happens anymore, the consequences of actually being me. It’s liberating, almost in a nihilistic way. Things come and they go; And if they go there’s no point in trying to chase them down or hold on to them. Just remember that they were once there and learn from what they taught you.
Take life as it comes, because you can’t control what will come your way most of the time. I mean of course you should care about your career, your personal future, and etc. But other than that, just take life as it comes; Because it will come whether you would like it to or not and sometimes you just have to take the ride and see where it leads you.
Don’t be afraid to just revel in the ebb and flow of existence; It is sporadic, and you can’t resist it. Just go with the flow and be yourself; When the time comes, if you’ve made the right decisions for your own personal well-being maybe life will lead you to another love, maybe a few of them. There’s nothing wrong with that. And eventually the right one will come along.
My point in all of this is that you shouldn’t hold on to the past. You have to let it go. Remember it, but don’t let it control you. Just keep your eyes looking forward, and maybe grab a seat for the ride.
My Love and best wishes always.
A Half Broken Mind