So much of my depression was encompassed by the feeling of emptiness. I didn’t really want to do anything; I had no interest in the things that I once enjoyed. I only wanted opiates to temporarily fill my brain with dopamine.
Once I was fixed up all of that love came back to me; the world was colorful again. I wanted to talk to people; even interact with random people. I felt complete and whole when I was on opiates. My pleasure center was obviously elated by the dopamine rush but when the serum levels began dropping in my blood I sank back into this empty sack of nothing.
I mitigated this feeling with other drugs, and a lot of alcohol but nothing could stimulate my mind like that beside MDMA; that was on a whole nother level.
Regardless, this is where I found myself almost all the time; simply empty. And this is why my opiate addiction started in the first place. I had dabbled pretty extensively with opiates in my past, such as; hydrocodone, oxycodone, hydromorphone, buprenorphine, and etc. But I never used them abusively back then, just recreationally. I knew that I liked them I just didn’t know what was soon to come.
Years later, they were my every day go to. The first thing I would do in the morning, at one of my jobs where I had to be up at 5:30 AM, I would reach into my box and pull out a 10 MG roxycodone; sometimes I’d eat it, sometime’s I’d snort it. It depended on how I felt that day. I’d get in the shower, by the time I came out fresh and ready to start the day; I was actually ready to start the day. Of course I placed another pill in my pocket to take at work about midway through my shift. Sometimes it wasn’t roxy’s, usually I brought 20 MG oxycontin’s to work.
I saved the roxy’s for when I got home. I’d shut the door; crush one down and snort it, sometime I’d do one and a half; sometimes it was two. Then I’d go greet the people. Of course there were all different opiates mixed into the equation at this time in my life.
I later found other ways to source basically pure opium without having to pay extensively for pharmaceuticals. I’m not going to go into this because if you don’t already know what I am talking about then you shouldn’t; for the purposes of harm reduction.
Basically, without my opiates I was a shell of a person. And my brain hated myself and my emptiness. I wanted to be involved, I wanted to find enjoyment in something; anything. But it just didn’t work that way. This is another reason I drank heavily every day, to forget about myself, my life and thoughts; to fall asleep at night.
It was hard to get away from opiates, but I did eventually with the help of kratom. I still dabbled slightly with the paragraph mentioned above, but kratom was my salvation.
I truly hope that nobody ever ends up on this path, despite the fact that I know so many people have for various reasons. It is a never-ending vicious cycle. It is personal pain in a marketed pain-pill for us and those around us.
If you’ve been through opiate addiction and made it out the other side, I wish you the best. It isn’t easy, and opiate withdrawals are hell; But it is all worth it in the end.
My love and best wishes to you all,
A Half Broken Mind