As I sit here and contemplate my life my mind is enveloped mostly with the darkness that I pursued for so many years; much of which I don’t remember, except the bad parts, the pain. Opiate addiction and withdrawals. Heavy alcohol abuse for years; straight liquor mostly. I used every other drug within my realm from true LSD to synthetic research chemicals that blew my mind; MDMA and also MDA. Heavey phenibut abuse.
I don’t remember much of that period in my life. It’s like apart of me that I lost for so long; so long that you forget who you really are. The only memories that truly stick out are painful.
I suppose during that time this was my goal. I was so depressed, so alone despite all the people around me, and searching for something to give me life. The reality is that nothing can give you that, except for yourself; You have to set yourself free.
After years of drug abuse and resisting my underlying depression and anxiety by pumping my brain full of dopamine; I finally sought help.
SSRI’s didn’t work for me, they made me feel worse off than I already was. I’m currently taking an SNRI, L-Methyfolate, bupropion, and pregabalin. I suppose it is working somewhat. I feel far better than I did; so I suppose that answers my own question.
I tend to still generally feel very low at times but I am far happier than I’ve ever been, my anxiety is somewhat controlled because of the benzo’s but I can still feel it scraping at my amygdala; hidden, but present.
Sometimes I feel completely alone, despite all the people around me trying to help; My drug and addiction counselor, the private NPR-C that I see, my family and friends.
I’ve made great progress in tapering off of benzo’s but I still feel that itch in my brain. The darkness that I live and the world that I’m trying to create. It’s all about my perspective, and I try to imagine this. Hopefully one day with somebody that I love.
The world is a combination of the light and the darkness; the bad and the good . They are intertwined, forever and always. You just have to choose the path you want to take.
The love and the hope in this world is my only salvation; It’s my life, and this is me without my mask. I desire a better world, not just for me but everyone.
I can’t keep my darkness from being present; it is apart of me, but so is the light that I seek.
I believe in a world that has light and love. I truly strive to be apart of the spark that illuminates my life and this world.
I want to be here and I want to be present. genuinely satisfied with my life, and slowly I’m getting there. I’ve made a lot of progress through self-reflection but some of my demons will never go away; I just have to live with them, and learn to control them. I’m working on it, but it is a continuous battle.
I believe in this world; I believe in satisfaction, happiness, unity, and love for all. And eventually this mentality is my goal; I don’t matter in the grand plan, but for right now I can strive to make this world a better place. I can reclaim my life despite my darkness, the love of this world is stronger; and I can become the person that I want to be.
I will become the person that I want to be.
The love in this world is our only salvation, and that love is my silver lining.
I will beat this, no matter what I have to do.
My love and best wishes to you all. I know a lot of you are struggling right now. I want you to know that there is somebody here that cares about you.
A Half Broken Mind