Happy Father’s Day

The last time I was here I had somebody very special with me. A love of my life; somebody to share the warmth of my bed. Somebody I intended to marry.

This time it is only me (and my dog); Peaches Mughee, little bit of rhyme action there for you good folks.

It’s lonely. I miss being able to show up at home feeling whole; with my parents welcoming a new family member into their domain. This time I can’t help but feel a little empty rolling across the stone driveway. It’s only me, but you already knew that.

Hello, from a darker side. Hello, from your long lost son come to greet you once again; but this time with tales of truth and not fonder.

I understand it’s late, and you have a lot to think about; but I want you to know that this isn’t your fault. You seem to carry the weight of my decisions upon your shoudlers; but my decisions aren’t your burden. I wish you could see this.

You did the best that you could and that’s all that’s ever asked of a parent.

I’m sorry that my decisions have caused you so much pain. I want to say happy Father’s Day, but I don’t think it’s appropriate with these circumstances.

Regardless, you are the man that I desire to be each and every day, I hope that that is enough. Happy Fathers Day.

 

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5 thoughts on “Happy Father’s Day

  1. This made cry when i read the where you said you didnt feel it appropriate to say happy fathers day.. I urge you to say it anyway if not for your father as one day he will be gone and you’ll never have the opportunity to say it again, but also for your own frame of mind. Ive carried quilt with me all my life for what i didnt get to say to my mother before she died when i was 15 and running around town doing drugs and gods knows what else.. Just do it..tell him..let him know somehow even if its writing him a note and leaving it on his pillow

    1. Thank you for your comment, and I’m sorry for the guilt you’ve had to carry for all these years regarding your mother.

      I have told my Father happy Fathers Day. I don’t have any problems with him. I wrote this post in the way that I did because i just recently took the path of sobriety and after coming clean to my Father about everything I’ve done the past eight years and especially the fact that I’m currently tapering off a very high dosage of benzo’s; he is having a hard time accepting the reality of my life. My mom follows my blow, but he won’t even read it because it causes him too much pain to think about his son that way.

      So rest assured I love my father very much and he reciprocates that love as well. Its just that this year isn’t quite as happy for him; and thats my shame to bear

      1. It will be easier in time as you both heal. I commend you for wanting to come off benz..its not an easy task but can be done. I was on 4 valium 10s per day this time last year and now im been weaned since November of last year. It can be done just have want to

      2. It definitely hasn’t been easy. Unfortunately my benzo addiction began through illicit use and was much higher than that. I started my taper at 120mg’s valium daily. But you’re right, time and perseverance is all it takes. I’m currently down to 50mg’s daily after about 6 months

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