Waking up at 5PM

This is a more personal post, I try to refrain from this but these last couple of days haven’t been the greatest. I tend not to dream a lot while sleeping but recently I’ve been dreaming more so than normal. I work a day shift job, 7AM to 5PM Monday through Friday and Friday morning I was having a very vivid dream regarding my former significant other.

Needless to say, it was one of those dreams where you are reaching for something that is simply out of reach. I woke up feeling the loss all over again and the start to my weekend didn’t start as happily as I would have liked for it to. Obviously it was directly related to me not being able to get over the fact of how I hurt her so badly through my deceit.

It’s been a stressful week due to the industry that I work in, along with dealing with my personal problems which I’ve written about in this blog; but I just wasn’t feeling it from the start that day. After work, I did what every drug addict shouldn’t do but will likely do in their process of sobriety; I broke the rules. I drank a lot of moonshine to try and forget my pain and stress. I woke up at 5PM today on my couch, apparently I had fallen asleep in my chair with my laptop on my lap.

There really isn’t a point to this article, I guess I just needed to get it off my mind. We all have struggles and some day’s just aren’t the best.

I’ve been struggling greatly with getting over my shame for doing what I did to my ex-girlfriend. I can’t find the words to describe how I feel honestly. All I know is that it’s not something I’ll ever get closure for and if you’ve read my latest article about closure; this is sort of counterintuitive to that post. I suppose some things we can’t just forget, nor can we get closure for.

Needless to say Friday night I did what every recovering addict shouldnt do. Except this time it involved a lot of moonshine, you know the homemade stuff, good ol’ corn whiskey that’ll burn a flame so blue you can barely see it, and benzo’s. Not a good mixture and thus why I woke up on my couch at 5 PM today. I hate those days after “relapsing”, I don’t consider it a true relapse but that’s the best terminology to describe it.

It leaves me with a feeling of depression so deep. But, as does life, I move forward. For my past cannot be changed, and my present is my own true reality.

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