My Escape Mechanism

This entry is inspired by Anthony Bourdain’s recent departure from this world.

Back years ago when I was fully in the grips of addiction alongside my depression I could never shake the feeling of wanting to be somewhere else. Someplace that nobody knew me, who I was, what I was. I always had this feeling of wanting to run from whatever it was that was bothering me at the time and my own general state of mind; as if that would actually work. This is what led me to bounce around from city to city, and then sometimes back to the same cities I had been to prior. I was just running to try to escape myself, obviously it never worked; if anything it likely made my problems worse. I guess my thought is best described through the lyrics of the “Weight of Lies” by the Avett Brothers;

“The weight of lies will bring you down
And follow you to every town ’cause
Nothing happens here that doesn’t happen there
When you run make sure you run
To something and not away from ’cause
Lies don’t need an aeroplane to chase you anywhere”

At this point in my life running away isn’t an option. For one I’m doing far better than I ever have; I have a great career with a positive future, every week I move closer and closer to living the sober life that I desire, and  my depression is under control far more than it ever has been. But, that thought is still always in the back of my mind. I suppose old habits are hard to break.

The inspiration for writing this article is because of the recently departed Anthony Bourdain whom committed suicide several days ago. I personally really liked the guy, and envied the lifestyle that he was able to live through his career. It is the life that I wish I could live. Continuously moving and never static, always experiencing new and great things; But despite all of this he obviously struggled tremendously with his own personal demons.

It doesn’t matter where you are from, how succesful you are, anyone and everyone can be susceptible to mental health issues

It just goes to show you that we all wear mask’s in our every day lives; And I hope serves as a reminder to all of you to be kind to those around you. You never really know what somebody is going through in their life and all too often the worst struggles come from within.

For me, I was never suicidal; Despite that, in my past, I did have thoughts about how much it would  really matter if I wasn’t here anymore, but suicide was never an option. I could never put my family and friends through that sort of pain. I’ve always looked at it from the perspective of my pain is my own, and my own weight to carry; It’s not something that I should pass on to my loved ones.

Regardless, some people do come to the point in which they just simply can’t live with themselves anymore. I know it’s been said a thousand times over, but I’m going to say it again. If you ever feel this way, please reach out to whatever resources are available. Life is continuously changing and because of that, things can get better.

Be kind to those around you is all I ask. Show people love without the desire to have it reciprocated. The world is a strange and hard place to navigate, and every day somebody out  there needs to know that there are people there for them. If you or somebody you know is having suicidal ideation’s, there are resources out there to help. If it is immediate, please call the The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255

I would also like to extend you the personal offer of contacting me directly at; I am in no means a counselor or trained professional, but if you just need somebody to talk to I would be happy to listen. I have no reason to judge anyone; and if I can make somebody’s day even a little better I’d be glad to do so.

My love and best wishes to you all.



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