This is a secondary entry to my last post regarding the pain we can cause others due to our addictions. So often we as addicts unintentionally hurt those closest to us; And depending on the circumstances, sometimes there is no reclamation for the damage we cause.
For me, this was the end of the best relationship I had ever had with a truly remarkable woman, one in which I planned to marry. Without realizing it my addictions took precedent over my relationship and eventually resulted in the end of the best thing I had ever experienced to date.
Throughout my recovery, which is still in progress, I’ve worked through a lot of things, but until recently I hadn’t put much thought into this aspect of my life. I was so focused on myself since beginning my path towards sobriety that I failed to realize how I hurt those around me prior to this.
I’ve forgiven myself for pretty much everything I can think of, but for the past month I haven’t been able to forgive myself for the hurt that I caused my significant other because of my addiction. I’ve thought about it over and over, but there is no forgiveness to be sought for what I did; I can’t describe the shame that I feel.
I’ve recently come to realize that maybe forgiveness isn’t really what I need. I can’t change the things that I did, and I don’t deserve forgiveness. The more I think about it, the more I think that this shame is something that I need to carry with me. It is my metaphorical ball and chain to remember what I did.
It’s something that I need to keep, so that I will never do the same thing to another person again. It’s an unforgivable action that I will carry for all time; It’s sole purpose as a reminder of my transgressions and motivation to be a better person.