When your own addictions hurt others; how can you forgive yourself?

If you’re an addict, undoubtedly you’ve caused pain to others if you’ve ever let them get close to you. I never thought about this in my past, when I was actively using, likely because I never let people get close to me. The only people that knew the real me had known it for a long time; Newcomers got the fake face.

When I was using heavily I purposely never sought out romantic relationships. My walls were so high and I didn’t have the desire to let anyone in. Eventually this became my life until one day I met a woman. Long story short, I hurt her deeply through my deception.

I’ve been able to work through a lot of my issues and get closure in the process; but this one still burns a hole straight through me. I’ve forgiven myself for a lot of things, much like I’ve forgiven others for their transgressions.

But the one time I truly let somebody get close to me I absolutely destroyed it; A beautiful mind that I wormed my way into. I led her to believe I was the person I wanted to be all the while hiding the person that I was. Then it all came crashing down, and I can’t forgive myself.

No matter how hard I try, I can’t get past this shame. I’ve suffered pain in my own mind for so long that it doesn’t faze me, but I never wanted my problems to hurt somebody else; Yet, they did and there’s nothing I can do to change it.

I loved and I lost; but that’s irrelevant. I loved and ended up causing so much pain to a person I loved more than myself. I can’t get past it, and I don’t know what to do.

 

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