Every day, all throughout life, so many of us wear masks; some of us to hide, others to fit in, and sometimes because we’ve worn it for so long that we’ve forgotten what is really underneath.
Some of us ever so rarely let that mask slip because what lies beneath is our own genuine self and usually it only comes off when we are alone or with another person that we feel can accept what we really are. We wear these masks for so many reasons and I’m no stranger to the many different masks that I’ve worn.
I’ve personally come to really dislike this aspect of humanity. How are we supposed to truly connect with one another when we are only looking through the peep-holes of a facade.
I understand the need to be guarded from the world and those around us, and in certain situations it is necessary to do so; But at one point, for some reason, I forgot to take the mask off even in the absence of others.
When we hide from the world for so long we begin to forget what it is that actually lies beneath; It’s so easy to lose yourself in this aspect and I did for quite some time. I can remember in some of the darkest points in my life feeling like I didn’t even know myself, almost as if I didn’t even exist. It felt like I was only a shell of a human, walking and talking but with no real emotion. It was a state of numbness that encompassed my life; an isolation that I never want to feel again.
Those days are now in my past for the most part, but I can still feel what it was like; so empty.
These days I try to be as candid as possible. I no longer want to live in fear of connecting with others and the world around me. I want to be present and I want it to be genuinely me. The mask’s I wore only served the purpose of building walls, the longer they are worn, the higher and stronger they become; And the harder to tear down.
This thought came to my mind today because of a situation I’m currently going through at work. I try to keep this blog more focused on my general thoughts, opinions, and methods in which I’m trying to better myself; but this one really got to me for some reason. I’m not going to go into complete detail but I’ll give you the basics.
My boss was recently fired and it was all due to his own fault. He was always late, called in sick constantly, and had an obvious serious addiction to alcohol. I noticed this from the beginning when I started working there, but in the beginning it wasn’t my place nor did I have the right to judge considering my past. We actually worked very well together and I thought that we had become good friends, even outside of work we would hang out, prior to my sobriety, and get sloshed at the local pub. I really liked the guy, he had flaws the same as me, and I could relate.
The said person ultimately ended up getting personally fired by the VP of my company for these reasons and some others that I’m not going to go into detail about, but they are far worse than the transgressions I mentioned above. After he was fired, I was promoted and took his former position at work.
In the few months that followed, he continuously spewed venom at our mutual boss all day, all night, every single day. I wasn’t privy to this information prior, due to my position in the company, but my Senior Manager finally opened up to me about it after I was promoted, mostly because he needed a sounding board but also because he cared for him much like I did and it personally hurt him to see the person that he had thought so highly of take off his mask for the first time.
After my boss blocked him, he began targeting me. I soon blocked him as well because I just don’t have room in my life for that kind of negativity anymore. Then he went after my former girlfriend, the woman who I still love despite how things ended; she was and still is the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life. He even went as far as to send naked pictures of himself to her completely out of the blue in an attempt to fuck her just to get back at me; And the fact of the matter is, I didn’t have anything to do with how he fucked his life up. Up until then I still wished him the best and hoped that he would find his way. I still love that woman, and I can’t describe how hurt and angry that made me feel; that he would do something like that to somebody that he pretended to care about.
Now he is going after the people who work below me in my company, not maliciously towards them; But in an attempt to get them to hate my boss and myself.
I apologize for how long-winded that was, but it really made me think about this.
Unfortunately, sometimes you can never know what kind of person somebody is until they begin to show their true colors. In the words of Shakespeare, “All the world’s a stage, And all the men and women merely players.” And sometimes those players can truly deceive you.