Today, I’ve completely broken my taper. I began my morning with throwing up the medication that I had previously taken.
I felt the emptiness from the start of the day; Alone and isolated. From the moment I rolled out of bed, I knew where I stood. Broken, fractured, and hopefully trying to repair what is damaged.
I began my day with my regular routine, take X amount of pills, an immune booster, and kratom to improve my mood. I vomited. I took another doasge of my tapering medication just to make sure; I wasn’t afraid of withdrawals, I took it for my own selfish reasons.
Around 3 PM, I began drinking whiskey on the rocks. A major no-no for somebody going through benzo recovery; But my brain told me otherwise. I know it isn’t something I should be doing, but I felt so empty.
Around 9 PM, I took another dosage of benzo’s, because I didn’t want to feel the way that I did. Isolated and alone. This room is my own personal party, and I’m the only guest.
Every day isn’t positive. More often than not, it’s depressive. I try to fuel my brain with positivety. Today, I didn’t have any left to give.