In life we all make mistakes; some of which we can come to terms with and others remain beyond reclamation. In my opinion, the worst mistakes are the ones in which we accidentally hurt other people, whether physical or emotionally, in the process. Specifically in this post I’m talking about causing another individual emotional distress due to our own blunders. Maybe blunders isn’t quite the word for it, it doesn’t seem to carry the weight that I’m going for, but I can’t think of one that exactly does, so we’ll stick with that.
You see, we don’t get to decide whether or not we hurt another person. As is human nature, we can only perceive events from our own perspectives and often don’t think about the impact that our decisions have on other people. We live life caught up in our own ego; never really thinking about other people’s perceptions of our actions.
Many times in my past I reacted unsuitably to interactions with people, but most of those times I was able to reclaim some sense of understanding with the person and amend for my imperfect behaviour.
If you’ve read any of my recent blog posts, specifically the one in which I spoke about my last relationship, you’ve likely got an idea of where I’m going with this. https://ahalfbrokenmind.com/2018/05/01/like-cogs-in-the-wheel-of-life-some-of-us-just-dont-fit-quite-as-well-a-brief-history-of-my-life-as-an-addict-lost-love-and-my-path-towards-sobriety/
This one, I really messed up. I fell in love and so did she, we talked about a future together on many occasions and I had every intention of proposing to her by the end of 2018. My faults got in the way of my best laid intentions. I hurt myself, but more importantly I hurt another person; and at the time I had no idea that I was causing her so much pain.
I’ve always been able to come to terms with my inappropriate behaviour in the past, but this time there is no reclamation. When somebody lays their heart on the table in front of you and you destroy it despite the fact that you love them in return; it’s hard to come back from that.
I’ve come to realize that I will never get forgiveness for what I did. I don’t deserve it, and if she did give it to me it would only be because of her kind nature. Even if I was forgiven, I could never forgive myself.
When you hurt somebody else due to your own problems, mine of which were strictly addiction related, there is a sense of shame that you can never forgive yourself for; and if you have forgiven yourself, you should take a little deeper look inside.
My past I can never change, my faults I can admit, and my shame I can live with forever; Because it is mine to bear. It is that every day reminder to be a better person. It is the motivation for my change, and it is the one thing I will never forget. It chains me to my path; my eternal motivation for change.