The struggle of a propensity towards addiction and an accidental addiction to Benzo’s; trying to get my life together

 

A little bit of back story for you good folks. I’ve been an addict for about 8 years now, I’ve used a wide range of drugs but my only true addiction was to opiates and my fallback; alcohol. I am finally realizing that my propensity for using these substances was due to my underlying anxiety and depression issues that I’ve been repressing for more years than I can count.

I had basically quit drinking roughly 8 months ago with the help of my former significant other, but that depression ultimately sank in. I found etizolam online, and then 6 months went by in a blur due to unfathomable dosing. I tried to quit cold turkey when I realized that my usage had become an issue. What ensued was three days of absolute hell that made opiate withdrawals feel like the common cold. So, i began using again but this time researched until there was nothing left to read. I found diclazepam, formulated my own tapering schedule, and trashed the etizolam. A month went by at 12mgs daily to keep withdrawals at bay but i realized that all of these issues were still only an issue because of my underlying struggles with depression and anxiety and my search to fill a whole inside myself. When i came clean to my SO of a year and a half about what I had been doing and my plan to taper off the drugs in search of a sober and fulfilling life with the help of counseling, she ended things with me 3 days after valentines day.

Now lets fast forward, I’ve had several meetings with my drug and addiction recovery counselor and these sessions are really helping. I’m now down to 9 mg’s of diclazepam a day using my own taper schedule. This time period has been full of more ups and downs than I can count and I’ve tried to journal them all. Most of them are not very positive but I’d like to leave you all with my most recent one:

“Everything I’m doing, I’m doing so that I can have a fulfilling life; an existence not controlled by my addictions and fear of facing reality. It’s hard. As they say, you take one step forward and three steps back, except sometimes that third step lands you right in a pothole.

Progress like this isn’t an endeavour for instant gratification or a quick fix. It takes time, more effort than you can fathom, and dedication that I never thought I possessed prior to taking these steps.

You never realize how messy life can be until you tear away the walls you’ve built between yourself and reality. It hurts, sometimes mentally, physically; sometimes it feels like you’ve lost all sense of self completely. That’s the scariest one.

Pain and happiness are intertwined on the path we walk and unfortunately sometimes things are more painful than pleasurable. However, neither can exist without the other. Life is just a series of this and our perceptions, but what matters is the manner in which we perceive and deal with them.

I want to be content and I have a long ways to go in order to get there but it is what I want and what I will get.”

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