The complacency is sometimes almost unbearable. These days I find myself stuck in this frame of mind. Of course, there’s still the ups and downs; The ever so rare elation and dopamine surge through my synapses and the more common feeling of unhappiness and isolation.
But, mostly, I find myself in what I refer to as the “in between”. My general state of being stuck in the middle. Neither happy nor sad; just isolated and complacent. It’s generally unpleasant, like being hungry and having nothing to eat or desiring a goal but being too indecisive to figure out what it is you want to pursue.
Since beginning the path of sobriety, I feel mostly stuck in the in between. Of course, the downs are still frequent but the elation is few and far between. I suppose maybe this is because I’m finally sober and not pumping my brain full of dopamine stimulating chemicals and depressants.
Regardless, this state of being is hard to shake. I try to occupy my mind with long walks, reading, music, etc., etc.; but the in between can only be held at bay for so long and quickly takes the reigns when it pleases. My outlets are only temporary but the in between seems never ending.
It’s neither hopeful or hopeless, happy or sad. It’s only static.