I’m currently several months along in the process of tapering off a rather high tolerance benzo addiction. Tomorrow, I intend to step down to 7.5mgs of Diclazepam a day. During this time, I’ve been completely clean of everything but Diclazepam and Diazepam. Neither of these get me high in any way and I have a feeling of clarity in my life that I haven’t had in over 8 years. For the past 8 years I’ve been an alcoholic and opiate addict, that accidentally fell into deep benzo addiction. During this process I’ve been trying to journal my thoughts as an outlet to gather my feelings and process them.
To look at oneself and try to interpret our own true intentions and perceptions is one of the hardest things to do in life. We as humans seem hardwired to look for outside stimuli when it comes to dealing with our problems and looking for answers or reassurance for our own actions.
I’ve been a drug addict and alcoholic for most of my adult life. Now that I’m walking the path towards sobriety I’m trying to figure out why I made the decisions that I did, or reacted in ways which I did in my past. As an addict, self reflection was the last thing that I ever wanted to do, it was something that more so pushed me to continue being high. I wanted to blame other things for my perpetual drug use and my general unhappiness. I blamed my addictions on my own propensity for addiction but never thought about why I was choosing to be an addict in the first place.
I didn’t want to think about the reasons why I felt that I needed to be high just to be present. I only thought about being high so that I could be present.
Tearing away the walls and falsification that we fabricate in order to justify our addictions can be incredibly difficult, painful, and life changing.
I’ve known for a long time that I had issues with depression and anxiety, but what I never thought about was why I had those issues in the first place. I chose to medicate myself instead to suppress my true feelings, even if it was just for a fleeting moment. At that time, it was better than feeling the way that I did.
It’s taken me a long time and a lot of painful introspection to just begin to come to terms with the struggles that I face in my own mind. After all, controlling ones own actions and perceptions is quite possibly one of the hardest tasks that we as humans face on a daily basis.
It took me a long time to realize that I didn’t want to hide from my problems by building walls within my own psyche, because in the end it has done more harm than good. I no longer want to hide from myself. I want to be present, and I want it to be genuinely me.”
I know we all walk different paths in life, thus is the true meaning of sonder. Some of you may relate to this and for some it may not. This is just my own attempt at improving myself and hopefully inspiring any others that find themselves in the same boat as well.
My love and best wishes to you all, always,
A Half Broken Mind